Lost my muchness, have I?

okay, so i went with some of my favorite people in the world last night to see alice in wonderland. i'm very excited about this movie, even now after i've seen it once, but the best part about going last night was sitting inbetween kari and andrew (insert insane cackle). it is weird being so giddy about meeting a person...but andrew and i have been friends for like two years and have never met so being able to finally hang out is awesome.

now i just have to get andrew paul to dallas so we can finally meet after like nine years. crazy.

so yeah, if you haven't seen the new alice (which i'm sure most of you haven't) then you should go see it for sure. it is very worth it. the 3D was awesome, but i think that with the exception of a few parts, it didn't make a whole ton of difference. a very beautiful movie and it is nearly impossible to pick a favorite character. once again tim burton has outdone himself.

[sidenote - allie is yelling at someone on the phone and it always makes me happy that it isn't me. haha. and it makes me giggle a little bit.]

i feel like a new person as of late. please do not take this the wrong way and think that i do not have bad days or hard times. i am actually having some pretty difficult times right now. i think the difference is, overall, i am extremely happy. joyful. some might even call it elated. i don't have a car, so i don't do much, BUT i have my friends, my dogs, my books, my mom, my WoW (bwahaha), my school, my knives, my cooking, my porch, my stupid laugh, my job, my corniness, my texting, my sister, my classmates, my cookbooks, my beers, my trip to vegas coming, my weekends, my birthday parties, my crying from laughing so hard, my funny boss, my favorite rug, my dr pepper, my rootbeer floats, my wonderful watch, my late nights and my long mornings. i wake up every day (most days, nobody is perfect) and decide to be grateful for all this and more. all the wonderful things i am blessed with every day. i can't stand people that wake up pissed off about what they don't have instead of happy about what they've got.

i feel like my world has been turned around and i know that things that i don't have right now BUT i have a lot, and i love that lot.

for now i have some papers to file so i'm going to run off and do that. i am going to blog more, it may not be here...look at www.thehappyfooddance.com in the future. :)

We're all mad here,
Lauren

its a nice day to start again...

okay so back to work after a three day weekend. whee. it is so hard to come back after that one extra day off. i start to dread this time of year because we won't have another day off (after labor day of course) until the end of november. i wish i could take a vacation this fall. go to NYC with val and check out some broadway plays, go to cali to finally visit richard and jason. something. i feel so stinkin worn out half the time i can't even pull it together enough to clean the house.

looking at the bright side of things, i've started working out. even better? i don't hate it. haha. it is oddly satisfying to get in there and sweat for half an hour or an hour. i'm not doing anything too crazy yet, but it's a start. it's better than sitting on the couch every day as soon as i get home from work. tonight val and i are going to try out a class. we saw it last monday and it looks like it will be good. it will probably kick my ass six ways from sunday, but it'll be fun to give it a shot. they were doing a lot of lunging and holding and they were using weights. yeah, i'm going to hate my life tomorrow. especially when we go to Shara's gravity class tomorrow night so she can yell at us. haha.

what else do i have going on? ah, saturday. i know better, i really do. but eric called on friday night and was all 'i really want to hang out, i'm going to call you as soon as i wake up tomorrow and come over, is that cool?' sure. i've seen him once in over a month, i think hanging out and watching some movies might be fun. so i wake up, go water my mom's plants and pick up some lunch. i'm hanging out at neci's with mr. deeds and juicy. watching some stand up comedy and relaxing on the couch. 1 rolls around...then 2, 2:30 and C messages me asking if i'm going to come down to the pool. i paint my toenails...then 3:30, finally i say fuck it and i head down to the pool. i'm down there for a few hours, and by the time i get back to denise's house, i'm totally hammered. haha. i fell asleep and woke up at midnight. still...nothing. no call. no text. no nada. so i sent him a message that just said 'i guess not much has changed, has it?' and of course i get this sob text back about how he had the worst day of his life and yada yada yada. and the sad part is, he may have had a horrible day. but the fact that he didn't even have the courtesy to text me and say he wasn't going to come over. it just shows me that nothing at all has changed. he still thinks he can do whatever the fuck he wants to me and it will all just be okay.

i don't know why i was suprprised. i shouldn't have been. its the same old story over and over again. sad that i don't believe his day was that bad when he ended it by going to josh's bbq...where she was. really, my feelings didn't even get hurt this time. i just rolled my eyes and moved on. so i guess thats a good sign.

do i still get emotional about it? sure. not as severely or as often, but it happens. i'm alright tho, and i think that is the important part. i'm working hard to fill my time so i don't dwell on it. i'm back on eHarmony. maybe i'll keep it for longer than a month this time to see if i get any good matches. there have been some that i've been interested in that haven't shared the interest but i won't let it break me. haha.

anywho, back to work. just realized it has been awhile since i updated. hope all is well with all of you.

lovelovelovelove,
lauren

artist's rendering of me...

i bought the opposite of december on iTunes yesterday. my copy is so scratched up there was no saving it. i finally just gave in. :) what better way to spend $8? i can't think of one.

of course i also bought jamie foxx's song 'blame it' haha. and that damn black eyed peas song 'boom boom pow' because well...they're both just catchy as hell. i don't know if i should admit to the other songs i bought. i'm horrible. i can't help it. i love old crappy hip hop. so yeah, i got some trick daddy...eh hush. let me have my fun. :) its good car music. haha.

and barf. i can't hear out of my right ear still. i cleaned it out some again this morning so hopefully it'll feel better soon. it is totally throwing off my equillibrium (sp?). i'm ready to feel normal again.

speaking of feeling normal...i think that 'falling out' is the appropriate term for what i am going thru right now. do i miss E? of course. he's been such a major part of my life for a long time now. i didn't keep him around b/c i didn't like his company. he made me smile. he had the ability to make me feel like i was the only person in the world for him. i say he had the ability...it didn't happen often. more often then not i was left feeling like he paid more attention to the gum stuck to the bottom of his shoe than he did to me. if i really think about it...i mean REALLY think about it, there are certain requirements that i have in a relationship.

1. i want to be with someone who can't bear to be with anyone BUT me. not someone who is fighting over their feelings for other people and past relationships. someone who just can't quite let go of that person from their past that treated them like shit anyway. i don't treat people i'm with like shit. i don't tell them they're worthless and stupid and make them feel like they are less than what they are. for one, i don't treat ANYONE like that, especially someone i love. so if you'd rather stay hung up on some tramp or some bitch that made you feel like she wouldn't piss on fire to put you out...then that's on you. that has nothing to do with me. granted, this rule was specific to someone...the idea is general. why should i have to fight for someone's affection? no one...NO ONE, that i know does this. why do i do it? i don't know...but no more. i remember what it was like to be with someone who loved me. who wanted to be with me every moment that he could. who was excited to hear from me and see me. i liked that. its normal. i miss it.

2. i want to be with someone who shares in the responsibility of the relationship. i'm tired of being blamed for everything that has ever gone wrong. especially when i've done little, to no, wrong. i went thru this with the last one. after he left he told me (in so many words) that because i didn't bitch at him all the time and nag at him to get a job, i was his crutch. no matter is supported him while he was sick and worked so that he was able to go back to school. nope. it was my fault. i was a crutch because i was nice to him. because i knew what a struggle it was to get a job as a felon and when you were sick three days a week from going thru chemo. nope. my fault. my bad. sorry i tried to take care of you and do the right thing. seems like it came back to bite me in the ass.

my friend matt will retell the story now of when we were still together and he confided in matt that he was thinking about breaking up with me.

let me interject here. i will admit this. we were not right for each other. from what i hear, he's a totally different person now (which is good). so i won't pretend that things would have ended up sunshine and roses if we had stayed together. we eventually would have just driven each other into the ground, so i'm glad things are over...but the series of events leading up to us breaking up still astounds me sometimes.

so anyway, he tells matt one night that he's thinking of leaving me and it surprised matt. now, i love matt. i'm sure he's telling me an edited version so as not to hurt my feelings about what was said between the two of them. i'm not mad at him for that. so he laid at home and played video games, went back to school, came home and played video games. i cooked, did laundry, cleaned and worked...and us breaking up was on me. for being nice.

okay i've gotten off track...lets see. rule 2 was someone who shares the responsibility of things that went wrong (and right) in the relationship.

3. i want to be with an adult. someone who thinks about their actions before running out and doing them. someone who doesn't have the mentality of asking for forgiveness instead of permission. not to say that someone needs to ask permission to do things. but what i mean is, someone who thinks 'oh i can do this **insert something someone may not like. staying out till five a.m. at the strip club without a phone call. going to a 'party' with just a handful of girls so that your friend has the chance of hooking up and not coming home. going and hanging out with your ex and not only not tell me but then lie about it when i confront you** and lauren will just forgive me. she always does' there is nothing wrong with saying 'hey, i'm going to go out with the fellas. we might not be home till early this morning' okay. thats fine. have fun. call me if you need me to come and get you. but hearing 'i'll be home no later than 3' and waking up at five a.m. to an empty house and a cell phone that has been turned off. not okay. never will be okay. if i did it, your face would catch on fire so just have some consideration. if i ask you to please wait and think about a tattoo before you run out and get something you might hate later, please take my opinion into consideration.

i don't even know if i have a number four. i'm sure i do. haha. its so silly because most of these rules just come naturally to people in relationships. i have to really concentrate on making sure i don't end up with someone that does these things to me. hell, i feel like for the last seven years i've just been running around in this circle. it's quite frustrating. and while these men are to blame with the way they act, i am to blame for letting me be the girl they treat this way. for that, i will take responsibility.

but i do have to say, the more i am away from him, the less i miss him. the less amused i am with him when i do talk to him and the more i realize that while my heart is still aching now...i will be okay. i am okay. it hurts less every day. if i could just stop dreaming about him i think i'd progress much faster. soon enough he'll be another memory. another part of my heart that was ripped away by someone else that i carefully patched back together on my own. another experience that made me realize how strong i am. how much i can get thru. how amazing all of my friends are. and for that, i am truely grateful.

but i'd be lying if i told you that everything was perfect now. right now, i'm tired of being strong. i'm tired of feeling like i'll never be enough when i know that isn't true. i'm tired of second guessing everything about who i am and what that means to other people.

i have those in my life that never leave me. that love me not only in spite of my faults, but because of them. people that call me beautiful and hug me like i'm the only person in the world they hug like that. :) i can't help but be grateful for my friends. they are the most amazing ones in the world and i don't know what i'd do without them. yes...even you mr. archer.

when did i become an adult?

when did i become more interested in staying in with a good book and a bottle or two of wine than going out? i love going out, i love doing things, but the reality is...about 90% of the time i'd just rather be at home. i have a list as long as my arm of books i'd like to read. my dogs like to chew on bones and wrestle and cuddle. i like to cook and experiment there. and really, who likes to wear real pants? not this guy. ;)

so anywho, i think i have the perfect friday evening planned. after work i'm going to go get my eyebrows done. then i might see about getting a pedicure somewhere. THEN i'm going to go to central market and walk around and do some grocery shopping. and finally i will get a bottle of wine and go home to cook and watch gran torino. maybe i'll swing by half price books too. we'll see. :) the only thing missing from this picture is someone to do it all with, but i figure that'll happen when its supposed to.

val has started going to jazzersize again and she's loving it. she's already lost 4 pounds and seeing as how my weight loss has kind of just stopped, i am going to try and budget it in to go with her. i need to sit down and figure out exactly how much i have to put into bills with this check and hopefully i'll be able to swing it. i'm so sick of being so incredibly broke all the time. its so frustrating. something has GOT to give.

i really want to go to the pool tomorrow morning to continue working on this tan i've started so hopefully the weather will clear up. if not, i can take advantage of the time inside by continuing to clean and organize, which i didn't do at all last weekend. i really need to get the entertainment center from val's that she is giving me. maybe i can talk shalin into putting it in his hatchback. who knows? having the tv on the floor in the living room is putting a damper on being able to clean and organzie my life.

i'm also stopping herbalife. yes, its easy for me to do, but its another case of 'can i afford it?' love that nay's mom has let me make payments to her when i get paid, but i'm finding that i'm just getting more and more in debt with her. i am going to just take this into my own hands. i'm going to plan my meals for the next two weeks and do a big shopping job. stick with my healthy food routine and just make sure that i have something to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner every day. stay within my calories and join freakin jazzersize with val.

i'm also exploring my part time job options. it sucks, and in reality, do i want a second job? well hell no. of course i don't. do i need to do something in the meantime to supplement my income? yes. in a big way. i'm sick of being broke. you have no idea.

so anyway...this is my plan. i begin tomorrow. wish me luck.

over and out,
Lauren

i know i know.

i know that its a bad idea to go and check his myspace status. after his very well spoken and thought out email saturday night that simply stated 'YOU SUCK', i'm fairly certain he's trying to taunt me. and while i am doing myself a disservice by going and even looking to see how his status changes, i am very proud of myself for not caving. for not giving in and sending him a text message to say i'm sorry, or i miss you, or can't we just go back to the way things were? i think that my next step will be to delete all the messages that have been saved in my voicemail for years. hell, i'll have to delete them when i get a new phone...i'm sure it will be cleansing when i do it. and its not like i sit and listen to them every day, but i do know that they're there. and it is like some strange security blanket knowing that i can hear his voice whenever i want and it won't be angry or accusing or loving someone else.

the longer i go without dialing his number, the less i want to. which is a good sign, i would imagine. it doesn't mean i don't want to call him...it just means that instead of picking up the phone, dialing his number and ALMOST pushing send...i just wish things could go back to the way they were. then again, they never were good or fair to me, so i don't know why i wish that. i think i just cared about him less, so it was easier.

as angry as i am that he has tried to turn this around on me...it also really saddens me. i see why he has so many problems in relationships now, he can't even admit he's done something to hurt me. i never once got an apology or a hint that he might understand.

i know that the sadness of this will pass. then i'll just be mad and eventually, i'll be indifferent. oh how i look forward to that day of indifference. i remember the first time i saw shaun and serena together in the apartment complex parking lot and i felt nothing. no sadness, no longing, no anger...let me tellyou, it was the most freeing feeling ever. to feel nothing. i know it will come, i just wish there were a way to in speed up the process.

so anyway, i'll do a weekend update or something fun soon. forgive all the depressing stuff.

oh i did make a wonderful shake this morning. orange juice instead of milk with a few pieces of pineapple and vanilla shake mix. tastes like a pinapple orange dreamsicle. yum yum.

get OUT bad juju. OUT I SAY.

so i haven't had the best week ever. my heart was broken, again, by someone that i have defended over and over and over for the last year and a half. not only that but when i sent him a perfectly calm and even kind of nice email explaining why i was doing what i was doing, why i couldn't talk to him for awhile, why i couldn't sit and watch him develop something with her...he then turned it around on me. like it was my fault, like i have done something wrong. like i'm the one abandoning our friendship. trying to guilt me back into things. to make me say 'oh no! i don't want to lose you forever! please don't be mad at me!'

what it boils down to is, if he cared about me at all 'fine, forget we ever met. i don't exist' wouldn't have been his response to the letter i sent him. the one that stated over and over how i hoped we could be best friends again someday, how i hoped that i would deal with all this sooner than later and even ended with 'i love you'. forget we ever met. you forget me and i'll forget you. those were his parting words to me.

rather than make me burst into tears [immediately] it just made me even more angry. how dare he. the man either has the biggest set of balls i've ever seen or he really is the most manipulative person on the planet. i don't know which i would prefer it to be. either way, i know that he was calling my bluff and i won't fall for it. i've put up with too much for too long. i got an email this morning from someone i've known since the second grade (he is a friend of mine's older brother, who i've always loved and actually became friends with over the years). his email said:

'you seem to waste a lot of time on sad ignorant boys. you deserve more. compare yourself to them before you get involved. you deserve an intelligent warm man. you have so much to offer. stop selling yourself short.'

what a fantastic way to start my thursday. :) it's so great to have such emotional support from people that you don't even see or talk to very often but who know you and have known you for years. it made my day, to be quite honest. so yeah, i'm taking it day by day. wishing i could call him less with every minute that i don't.

and i also found out yesterday morning that i won't be moving. long story short, my roommate had some last minute complications that are completely out of her hands and isn't able to have her own place anymore. i was really bummed for a couple hours yesterday morning but then i talked to my step mom and got a better attitude about it. i'm still going to do the spring cleaning i started. the salvation army is still coming tomorrow to pick up a bunch of stuff i was going to get rid of when i moved anyway. i'm going to cleanse all the bad juju out of my house. i may even rent a carpet cleaner and just go to town. we'll see if i have time.

so i'm still taking tomorrow off. saturday night we are going to dinner at momo's and then to pete's for denise's birthday. :) should be a lot of fun. i'll get to meet shane finally, which i'm excited about. i also have my dear friend allie who is busy already and has introduced me (in a cyber and texting manner at least) to a man named jesse who seems perfectly nice (and is cute to boot) so we are supposed to hang out sometime next week. he's already offered me a cold beer, so i'm sure we'll get along just fine. haha.

anywho, if i really want to get out of here today, i better get to work!!! hopefully i'll have some good stuff to report at the beginning of next week after the cleansing of the bad energy out of my life begins. i need a new start so i'm just going to give it to myself.

fight 'em till you can't,
lauren

more than words...

saying goodbye is never fun. or easy. i've been fighting saying goodbye to him for a long time now. this last bit was just too much. it was the last straw. no matter how much you love someone, you can let them break your heart only so many times before you just have to give up. i've given up. i've thrown in my towel. i don't think i've ever held onto the damn thing for so long before. i don't think its ever hurt so much to give it up either.

the last few days have brought me more joy and sorrow than i've had in a long time. i've been a mess of tears for three days. some have been happy (we welcomed my beautiful neice Evie into the world yesterday) but more have been sad. i try to not let my personal stuff cloud the absolute happiness i feel about nikki and kevin having their first child. i love them both so much and i am thrilled to see what amazing parents they will be. but then there's this. like i don't have enough going on in my life right now.

i've been hurt before by him, but this pretty much takes the cake. i feel like i've been on the verge of hyperventilating since friday night. i know that the severity of this will pass. i know that it will. but right now, after my conversation with him on friday night...i have had nothing from him all weekend. no response. no attempt to fix things. not one tiny shred of evidence that he even gives a shit. and then to see her referring to him as 'my babe' on her page. it quite literally made my stomach turn. and at no fault of hers, she's a sweet girl. i like her. i would consider her a friend, even. funny how that works.

and he acts like i'm over reacting. like after everything we've been thru and done and experienced together...i'm being unreasonable.

i can't put myself thru this so i said goodbye to him today. i wrote him a letter and then took him and her off my page. i can't stare at it in the face every day. i can't watch this thing progress and feel nothing.

the joy of myspace, it tells you when people read your emails. he's already read mine and i haven't gotten a response yet. we'll see if i do at all. he tends to tuck tail and run when it has been pointed out that he's messed up. and has he royally messed this up...i'm so sad. i don't think i've ever been so heartbroken.

i'll deal with it. but right now, i just want to crawl in a hole.