okay so back to work after a three day weekend. whee. it is so hard to come back after that one extra day off. i start to dread this time of year because we won't have another day off (after labor day of course) until the end of november. i wish i could take a vacation this fall. go to NYC with val and check out some broadway plays, go to cali to finally visit richard and jason. something. i feel so stinkin worn out half the time i can't even pull it together enough to clean the house.
looking at the bright side of things, i've started working out. even better? i don't hate it. haha. it is oddly satisfying to get in there and sweat for half an hour or an hour. i'm not doing anything too crazy yet, but it's a start. it's better than sitting on the couch every day as soon as i get home from work. tonight val and i are going to try out a class. we saw it last monday and it looks like it will be good. it will probably kick my ass six ways from sunday, but it'll be fun to give it a shot. they were doing a lot of lunging and holding and they were using weights. yeah, i'm going to hate my life tomorrow. especially when we go to Shara's gravity class tomorrow night so she can yell at us. haha.
what else do i have going on? ah, saturday. i know better, i really do. but eric called on friday night and was all 'i really want to hang out, i'm going to call you as soon as i wake up tomorrow and come over, is that cool?' sure. i've seen him once in over a month, i think hanging out and watching some movies might be fun. so i wake up, go water my mom's plants and pick up some lunch. i'm hanging out at neci's with mr. deeds and juicy. watching some stand up comedy and relaxing on the couch. 1 rolls around...then 2, 2:30 and C messages me asking if i'm going to come down to the pool. i paint my toenails...then 3:30, finally i say fuck it and i head down to the pool. i'm down there for a few hours, and by the time i get back to denise's house, i'm totally hammered. haha. i fell asleep and woke up at midnight. still...nothing. no call. no text. no nada. so i sent him a message that just said 'i guess not much has changed, has it?' and of course i get this sob text back about how he had the worst day of his life and yada yada yada. and the sad part is, he may have had a horrible day. but the fact that he didn't even have the courtesy to text me and say he wasn't going to come over. it just shows me that nothing at all has changed. he still thinks he can do whatever the fuck he wants to me and it will all just be okay.
i don't know why i was suprprised. i shouldn't have been. its the same old story over and over again. sad that i don't believe his day was that bad when he ended it by going to josh's bbq...where she was. really, my feelings didn't even get hurt this time. i just rolled my eyes and moved on. so i guess thats a good sign.
do i still get emotional about it? sure. not as severely or as often, but it happens. i'm alright tho, and i think that is the important part. i'm working hard to fill my time so i don't dwell on it. i'm back on eHarmony. maybe i'll keep it for longer than a month this time to see if i get any good matches. there have been some that i've been interested in that haven't shared the interest but i won't let it break me. haha.
anywho, back to work. just realized it has been awhile since i updated. hope all is well with all of you.
lovelovelovelove,
lauren
Monday, July 6, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
artist's rendering of me...
i bought the opposite of december on iTunes yesterday. my copy is so scratched up there was no saving it. i finally just gave in. :) what better way to spend $8? i can't think of one.
of course i also bought jamie foxx's song 'blame it' haha. and that damn black eyed peas song 'boom boom pow' because well...they're both just catchy as hell. i don't know if i should admit to the other songs i bought. i'm horrible. i can't help it. i love old crappy hip hop. so yeah, i got some trick daddy...eh hush. let me have my fun. :) its good car music. haha.
and barf. i can't hear out of my right ear still. i cleaned it out some again this morning so hopefully it'll feel better soon. it is totally throwing off my equillibrium (sp?). i'm ready to feel normal again.
speaking of feeling normal...i think that 'falling out' is the appropriate term for what i am going thru right now. do i miss E? of course. he's been such a major part of my life for a long time now. i didn't keep him around b/c i didn't like his company. he made me smile. he had the ability to make me feel like i was the only person in the world for him. i say he had the ability...it didn't happen often. more often then not i was left feeling like he paid more attention to the gum stuck to the bottom of his shoe than he did to me. if i really think about it...i mean REALLY think about it, there are certain requirements that i have in a relationship.
1. i want to be with someone who can't bear to be with anyone BUT me. not someone who is fighting over their feelings for other people and past relationships. someone who just can't quite let go of that person from their past that treated them like shit anyway. i don't treat people i'm with like shit. i don't tell them they're worthless and stupid and make them feel like they are less than what they are. for one, i don't treat ANYONE like that, especially someone i love. so if you'd rather stay hung up on some tramp or some bitch that made you feel like she wouldn't piss on fire to put you out...then that's on you. that has nothing to do with me. granted, this rule was specific to someone...the idea is general. why should i have to fight for someone's affection? no one...NO ONE, that i know does this. why do i do it? i don't know...but no more. i remember what it was like to be with someone who loved me. who wanted to be with me every moment that he could. who was excited to hear from me and see me. i liked that. its normal. i miss it.
2. i want to be with someone who shares in the responsibility of the relationship. i'm tired of being blamed for everything that has ever gone wrong. especially when i've done little, to no, wrong. i went thru this with the last one. after he left he told me (in so many words) that because i didn't bitch at him all the time and nag at him to get a job, i was his crutch. no matter is supported him while he was sick and worked so that he was able to go back to school. nope. it was my fault. i was a crutch because i was nice to him. because i knew what a struggle it was to get a job as a felon and when you were sick three days a week from going thru chemo. nope. my fault. my bad. sorry i tried to take care of you and do the right thing. seems like it came back to bite me in the ass.
my friend matt will retell the story now of when we were still together and he confided in matt that he was thinking about breaking up with me.
let me interject here. i will admit this. we were not right for each other. from what i hear, he's a totally different person now (which is good). so i won't pretend that things would have ended up sunshine and roses if we had stayed together. we eventually would have just driven each other into the ground, so i'm glad things are over...but the series of events leading up to us breaking up still astounds me sometimes.
so anyway, he tells matt one night that he's thinking of leaving me and it surprised matt. now, i love matt. i'm sure he's telling me an edited version so as not to hurt my feelings about what was said between the two of them. i'm not mad at him for that. so he laid at home and played video games, went back to school, came home and played video games. i cooked, did laundry, cleaned and worked...and us breaking up was on me. for being nice.
okay i've gotten off track...lets see. rule 2 was someone who shares the responsibility of things that went wrong (and right) in the relationship.
3. i want to be with an adult. someone who thinks about their actions before running out and doing them. someone who doesn't have the mentality of asking for forgiveness instead of permission. not to say that someone needs to ask permission to do things. but what i mean is, someone who thinks 'oh i can do this **insert something someone may not like. staying out till five a.m. at the strip club without a phone call. going to a 'party' with just a handful of girls so that your friend has the chance of hooking up and not coming home. going and hanging out with your ex and not only not tell me but then lie about it when i confront you** and lauren will just forgive me. she always does' there is nothing wrong with saying 'hey, i'm going to go out with the fellas. we might not be home till early this morning' okay. thats fine. have fun. call me if you need me to come and get you. but hearing 'i'll be home no later than 3' and waking up at five a.m. to an empty house and a cell phone that has been turned off. not okay. never will be okay. if i did it, your face would catch on fire so just have some consideration. if i ask you to please wait and think about a tattoo before you run out and get something you might hate later, please take my opinion into consideration.
i don't even know if i have a number four. i'm sure i do. haha. its so silly because most of these rules just come naturally to people in relationships. i have to really concentrate on making sure i don't end up with someone that does these things to me. hell, i feel like for the last seven years i've just been running around in this circle. it's quite frustrating. and while these men are to blame with the way they act, i am to blame for letting me be the girl they treat this way. for that, i will take responsibility.
but i do have to say, the more i am away from him, the less i miss him. the less amused i am with him when i do talk to him and the more i realize that while my heart is still aching now...i will be okay. i am okay. it hurts less every day. if i could just stop dreaming about him i think i'd progress much faster. soon enough he'll be another memory. another part of my heart that was ripped away by someone else that i carefully patched back together on my own. another experience that made me realize how strong i am. how much i can get thru. how amazing all of my friends are. and for that, i am truely grateful.
but i'd be lying if i told you that everything was perfect now. right now, i'm tired of being strong. i'm tired of feeling like i'll never be enough when i know that isn't true. i'm tired of second guessing everything about who i am and what that means to other people.
i have those in my life that never leave me. that love me not only in spite of my faults, but because of them. people that call me beautiful and hug me like i'm the only person in the world they hug like that. :) i can't help but be grateful for my friends. they are the most amazing ones in the world and i don't know what i'd do without them. yes...even you mr. archer.
of course i also bought jamie foxx's song 'blame it' haha. and that damn black eyed peas song 'boom boom pow' because well...they're both just catchy as hell. i don't know if i should admit to the other songs i bought. i'm horrible. i can't help it. i love old crappy hip hop. so yeah, i got some trick daddy...eh hush. let me have my fun. :) its good car music. haha.
and barf. i can't hear out of my right ear still. i cleaned it out some again this morning so hopefully it'll feel better soon. it is totally throwing off my equillibrium (sp?). i'm ready to feel normal again.
speaking of feeling normal...i think that 'falling out' is the appropriate term for what i am going thru right now. do i miss E? of course. he's been such a major part of my life for a long time now. i didn't keep him around b/c i didn't like his company. he made me smile. he had the ability to make me feel like i was the only person in the world for him. i say he had the ability...it didn't happen often. more often then not i was left feeling like he paid more attention to the gum stuck to the bottom of his shoe than he did to me. if i really think about it...i mean REALLY think about it, there are certain requirements that i have in a relationship.
1. i want to be with someone who can't bear to be with anyone BUT me. not someone who is fighting over their feelings for other people and past relationships. someone who just can't quite let go of that person from their past that treated them like shit anyway. i don't treat people i'm with like shit. i don't tell them they're worthless and stupid and make them feel like they are less than what they are. for one, i don't treat ANYONE like that, especially someone i love. so if you'd rather stay hung up on some tramp or some bitch that made you feel like she wouldn't piss on fire to put you out...then that's on you. that has nothing to do with me. granted, this rule was specific to someone...the idea is general. why should i have to fight for someone's affection? no one...NO ONE, that i know does this. why do i do it? i don't know...but no more. i remember what it was like to be with someone who loved me. who wanted to be with me every moment that he could. who was excited to hear from me and see me. i liked that. its normal. i miss it.
2. i want to be with someone who shares in the responsibility of the relationship. i'm tired of being blamed for everything that has ever gone wrong. especially when i've done little, to no, wrong. i went thru this with the last one. after he left he told me (in so many words) that because i didn't bitch at him all the time and nag at him to get a job, i was his crutch. no matter is supported him while he was sick and worked so that he was able to go back to school. nope. it was my fault. i was a crutch because i was nice to him. because i knew what a struggle it was to get a job as a felon and when you were sick three days a week from going thru chemo. nope. my fault. my bad. sorry i tried to take care of you and do the right thing. seems like it came back to bite me in the ass.
my friend matt will retell the story now of when we were still together and he confided in matt that he was thinking about breaking up with me.
let me interject here. i will admit this. we were not right for each other. from what i hear, he's a totally different person now (which is good). so i won't pretend that things would have ended up sunshine and roses if we had stayed together. we eventually would have just driven each other into the ground, so i'm glad things are over...but the series of events leading up to us breaking up still astounds me sometimes.
so anyway, he tells matt one night that he's thinking of leaving me and it surprised matt. now, i love matt. i'm sure he's telling me an edited version so as not to hurt my feelings about what was said between the two of them. i'm not mad at him for that. so he laid at home and played video games, went back to school, came home and played video games. i cooked, did laundry, cleaned and worked...and us breaking up was on me. for being nice.
okay i've gotten off track...lets see. rule 2 was someone who shares the responsibility of things that went wrong (and right) in the relationship.
3. i want to be with an adult. someone who thinks about their actions before running out and doing them. someone who doesn't have the mentality of asking for forgiveness instead of permission. not to say that someone needs to ask permission to do things. but what i mean is, someone who thinks 'oh i can do this **insert something someone may not like. staying out till five a.m. at the strip club without a phone call. going to a 'party' with just a handful of girls so that your friend has the chance of hooking up and not coming home. going and hanging out with your ex and not only not tell me but then lie about it when i confront you** and lauren will just forgive me. she always does' there is nothing wrong with saying 'hey, i'm going to go out with the fellas. we might not be home till early this morning' okay. thats fine. have fun. call me if you need me to come and get you. but hearing 'i'll be home no later than 3' and waking up at five a.m. to an empty house and a cell phone that has been turned off. not okay. never will be okay. if i did it, your face would catch on fire so just have some consideration. if i ask you to please wait and think about a tattoo before you run out and get something you might hate later, please take my opinion into consideration.
i don't even know if i have a number four. i'm sure i do. haha. its so silly because most of these rules just come naturally to people in relationships. i have to really concentrate on making sure i don't end up with someone that does these things to me. hell, i feel like for the last seven years i've just been running around in this circle. it's quite frustrating. and while these men are to blame with the way they act, i am to blame for letting me be the girl they treat this way. for that, i will take responsibility.
but i do have to say, the more i am away from him, the less i miss him. the less amused i am with him when i do talk to him and the more i realize that while my heart is still aching now...i will be okay. i am okay. it hurts less every day. if i could just stop dreaming about him i think i'd progress much faster. soon enough he'll be another memory. another part of my heart that was ripped away by someone else that i carefully patched back together on my own. another experience that made me realize how strong i am. how much i can get thru. how amazing all of my friends are. and for that, i am truely grateful.
but i'd be lying if i told you that everything was perfect now. right now, i'm tired of being strong. i'm tired of feeling like i'll never be enough when i know that isn't true. i'm tired of second guessing everything about who i am and what that means to other people.
i have those in my life that never leave me. that love me not only in spite of my faults, but because of them. people that call me beautiful and hug me like i'm the only person in the world they hug like that. :) i can't help but be grateful for my friends. they are the most amazing ones in the world and i don't know what i'd do without them. yes...even you mr. archer.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
when did i become an adult?
when did i become more interested in staying in with a good book and a bottle or two of wine than going out? i love going out, i love doing things, but the reality is...about 90% of the time i'd just rather be at home. i have a list as long as my arm of books i'd like to read. my dogs like to chew on bones and wrestle and cuddle. i like to cook and experiment there. and really, who likes to wear real pants? not this guy. ;)
so anywho, i think i have the perfect friday evening planned. after work i'm going to go get my eyebrows done. then i might see about getting a pedicure somewhere. THEN i'm going to go to central market and walk around and do some grocery shopping. and finally i will get a bottle of wine and go home to cook and watch gran torino. maybe i'll swing by half price books too. we'll see. :) the only thing missing from this picture is someone to do it all with, but i figure that'll happen when its supposed to.
val has started going to jazzersize again and she's loving it. she's already lost 4 pounds and seeing as how my weight loss has kind of just stopped, i am going to try and budget it in to go with her. i need to sit down and figure out exactly how much i have to put into bills with this check and hopefully i'll be able to swing it. i'm so sick of being so incredibly broke all the time. its so frustrating. something has GOT to give.
i really want to go to the pool tomorrow morning to continue working on this tan i've started so hopefully the weather will clear up. if not, i can take advantage of the time inside by continuing to clean and organize, which i didn't do at all last weekend. i really need to get the entertainment center from val's that she is giving me. maybe i can talk shalin into putting it in his hatchback. who knows? having the tv on the floor in the living room is putting a damper on being able to clean and organzie my life.
i'm also stopping herbalife. yes, its easy for me to do, but its another case of 'can i afford it?' love that nay's mom has let me make payments to her when i get paid, but i'm finding that i'm just getting more and more in debt with her. i am going to just take this into my own hands. i'm going to plan my meals for the next two weeks and do a big shopping job. stick with my healthy food routine and just make sure that i have something to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner every day. stay within my calories and join freakin jazzersize with val.
i'm also exploring my part time job options. it sucks, and in reality, do i want a second job? well hell no. of course i don't. do i need to do something in the meantime to supplement my income? yes. in a big way. i'm sick of being broke. you have no idea.
so anyway...this is my plan. i begin tomorrow. wish me luck.
over and out,
Lauren
so anywho, i think i have the perfect friday evening planned. after work i'm going to go get my eyebrows done. then i might see about getting a pedicure somewhere. THEN i'm going to go to central market and walk around and do some grocery shopping. and finally i will get a bottle of wine and go home to cook and watch gran torino. maybe i'll swing by half price books too. we'll see. :) the only thing missing from this picture is someone to do it all with, but i figure that'll happen when its supposed to.
val has started going to jazzersize again and she's loving it. she's already lost 4 pounds and seeing as how my weight loss has kind of just stopped, i am going to try and budget it in to go with her. i need to sit down and figure out exactly how much i have to put into bills with this check and hopefully i'll be able to swing it. i'm so sick of being so incredibly broke all the time. its so frustrating. something has GOT to give.
i really want to go to the pool tomorrow morning to continue working on this tan i've started so hopefully the weather will clear up. if not, i can take advantage of the time inside by continuing to clean and organize, which i didn't do at all last weekend. i really need to get the entertainment center from val's that she is giving me. maybe i can talk shalin into putting it in his hatchback. who knows? having the tv on the floor in the living room is putting a damper on being able to clean and organzie my life.
i'm also stopping herbalife. yes, its easy for me to do, but its another case of 'can i afford it?' love that nay's mom has let me make payments to her when i get paid, but i'm finding that i'm just getting more and more in debt with her. i am going to just take this into my own hands. i'm going to plan my meals for the next two weeks and do a big shopping job. stick with my healthy food routine and just make sure that i have something to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner every day. stay within my calories and join freakin jazzersize with val.
i'm also exploring my part time job options. it sucks, and in reality, do i want a second job? well hell no. of course i don't. do i need to do something in the meantime to supplement my income? yes. in a big way. i'm sick of being broke. you have no idea.
so anyway...this is my plan. i begin tomorrow. wish me luck.
over and out,
Lauren
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
i know i know.
i know that its a bad idea to go and check his myspace status. after his very well spoken and thought out email saturday night that simply stated 'YOU SUCK', i'm fairly certain he's trying to taunt me. and while i am doing myself a disservice by going and even looking to see how his status changes, i am very proud of myself for not caving. for not giving in and sending him a text message to say i'm sorry, or i miss you, or can't we just go back to the way things were? i think that my next step will be to delete all the messages that have been saved in my voicemail for years. hell, i'll have to delete them when i get a new phone...i'm sure it will be cleansing when i do it. and its not like i sit and listen to them every day, but i do know that they're there. and it is like some strange security blanket knowing that i can hear his voice whenever i want and it won't be angry or accusing or loving someone else.
the longer i go without dialing his number, the less i want to. which is a good sign, i would imagine. it doesn't mean i don't want to call him...it just means that instead of picking up the phone, dialing his number and ALMOST pushing send...i just wish things could go back to the way they were. then again, they never were good or fair to me, so i don't know why i wish that. i think i just cared about him less, so it was easier.
as angry as i am that he has tried to turn this around on me...it also really saddens me. i see why he has so many problems in relationships now, he can't even admit he's done something to hurt me. i never once got an apology or a hint that he might understand.
i know that the sadness of this will pass. then i'll just be mad and eventually, i'll be indifferent. oh how i look forward to that day of indifference. i remember the first time i saw shaun and serena together in the apartment complex parking lot and i felt nothing. no sadness, no longing, no anger...let me tellyou, it was the most freeing feeling ever. to feel nothing. i know it will come, i just wish there were a way to in speed up the process.
so anyway, i'll do a weekend update or something fun soon. forgive all the depressing stuff.
oh i did make a wonderful shake this morning. orange juice instead of milk with a few pieces of pineapple and vanilla shake mix. tastes like a pinapple orange dreamsicle. yum yum.
the longer i go without dialing his number, the less i want to. which is a good sign, i would imagine. it doesn't mean i don't want to call him...it just means that instead of picking up the phone, dialing his number and ALMOST pushing send...i just wish things could go back to the way they were. then again, they never were good or fair to me, so i don't know why i wish that. i think i just cared about him less, so it was easier.
as angry as i am that he has tried to turn this around on me...it also really saddens me. i see why he has so many problems in relationships now, he can't even admit he's done something to hurt me. i never once got an apology or a hint that he might understand.
i know that the sadness of this will pass. then i'll just be mad and eventually, i'll be indifferent. oh how i look forward to that day of indifference. i remember the first time i saw shaun and serena together in the apartment complex parking lot and i felt nothing. no sadness, no longing, no anger...let me tellyou, it was the most freeing feeling ever. to feel nothing. i know it will come, i just wish there were a way to in speed up the process.
so anyway, i'll do a weekend update or something fun soon. forgive all the depressing stuff.
oh i did make a wonderful shake this morning. orange juice instead of milk with a few pieces of pineapple and vanilla shake mix. tastes like a pinapple orange dreamsicle. yum yum.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
get OUT bad juju. OUT I SAY.
so i haven't had the best week ever. my heart was broken, again, by someone that i have defended over and over and over for the last year and a half. not only that but when i sent him a perfectly calm and even kind of nice email explaining why i was doing what i was doing, why i couldn't talk to him for awhile, why i couldn't sit and watch him develop something with her...he then turned it around on me. like it was my fault, like i have done something wrong. like i'm the one abandoning our friendship. trying to guilt me back into things. to make me say 'oh no! i don't want to lose you forever! please don't be mad at me!'
what it boils down to is, if he cared about me at all 'fine, forget we ever met. i don't exist' wouldn't have been his response to the letter i sent him. the one that stated over and over how i hoped we could be best friends again someday, how i hoped that i would deal with all this sooner than later and even ended with 'i love you'. forget we ever met. you forget me and i'll forget you. those were his parting words to me.
rather than make me burst into tears [immediately] it just made me even more angry. how dare he. the man either has the biggest set of balls i've ever seen or he really is the most manipulative person on the planet. i don't know which i would prefer it to be. either way, i know that he was calling my bluff and i won't fall for it. i've put up with too much for too long. i got an email this morning from someone i've known since the second grade (he is a friend of mine's older brother, who i've always loved and actually became friends with over the years). his email said:
'you seem to waste a lot of time on sad ignorant boys. you deserve more. compare yourself to them before you get involved. you deserve an intelligent warm man. you have so much to offer. stop selling yourself short.'
what a fantastic way to start my thursday. :) it's so great to have such emotional support from people that you don't even see or talk to very often but who know you and have known you for years. it made my day, to be quite honest. so yeah, i'm taking it day by day. wishing i could call him less with every minute that i don't.
and i also found out yesterday morning that i won't be moving. long story short, my roommate had some last minute complications that are completely out of her hands and isn't able to have her own place anymore. i was really bummed for a couple hours yesterday morning but then i talked to my step mom and got a better attitude about it. i'm still going to do the spring cleaning i started. the salvation army is still coming tomorrow to pick up a bunch of stuff i was going to get rid of when i moved anyway. i'm going to cleanse all the bad juju out of my house. i may even rent a carpet cleaner and just go to town. we'll see if i have time.
so i'm still taking tomorrow off. saturday night we are going to dinner at momo's and then to pete's for denise's birthday. :) should be a lot of fun. i'll get to meet shane finally, which i'm excited about. i also have my dear friend allie who is busy already and has introduced me (in a cyber and texting manner at least) to a man named jesse who seems perfectly nice (and is cute to boot) so we are supposed to hang out sometime next week. he's already offered me a cold beer, so i'm sure we'll get along just fine. haha.
anywho, if i really want to get out of here today, i better get to work!!! hopefully i'll have some good stuff to report at the beginning of next week after the cleansing of the bad energy out of my life begins. i need a new start so i'm just going to give it to myself.
fight 'em till you can't,
lauren
what it boils down to is, if he cared about me at all 'fine, forget we ever met. i don't exist' wouldn't have been his response to the letter i sent him. the one that stated over and over how i hoped we could be best friends again someday, how i hoped that i would deal with all this sooner than later and even ended with 'i love you'. forget we ever met. you forget me and i'll forget you. those were his parting words to me.
rather than make me burst into tears [immediately] it just made me even more angry. how dare he. the man either has the biggest set of balls i've ever seen or he really is the most manipulative person on the planet. i don't know which i would prefer it to be. either way, i know that he was calling my bluff and i won't fall for it. i've put up with too much for too long. i got an email this morning from someone i've known since the second grade (he is a friend of mine's older brother, who i've always loved and actually became friends with over the years). his email said:
'you seem to waste a lot of time on sad ignorant boys. you deserve more. compare yourself to them before you get involved. you deserve an intelligent warm man. you have so much to offer. stop selling yourself short.'
what a fantastic way to start my thursday. :) it's so great to have such emotional support from people that you don't even see or talk to very often but who know you and have known you for years. it made my day, to be quite honest. so yeah, i'm taking it day by day. wishing i could call him less with every minute that i don't.
and i also found out yesterday morning that i won't be moving. long story short, my roommate had some last minute complications that are completely out of her hands and isn't able to have her own place anymore. i was really bummed for a couple hours yesterday morning but then i talked to my step mom and got a better attitude about it. i'm still going to do the spring cleaning i started. the salvation army is still coming tomorrow to pick up a bunch of stuff i was going to get rid of when i moved anyway. i'm going to cleanse all the bad juju out of my house. i may even rent a carpet cleaner and just go to town. we'll see if i have time.
so i'm still taking tomorrow off. saturday night we are going to dinner at momo's and then to pete's for denise's birthday. :) should be a lot of fun. i'll get to meet shane finally, which i'm excited about. i also have my dear friend allie who is busy already and has introduced me (in a cyber and texting manner at least) to a man named jesse who seems perfectly nice (and is cute to boot) so we are supposed to hang out sometime next week. he's already offered me a cold beer, so i'm sure we'll get along just fine. haha.
anywho, if i really want to get out of here today, i better get to work!!! hopefully i'll have some good stuff to report at the beginning of next week after the cleansing of the bad energy out of my life begins. i need a new start so i'm just going to give it to myself.
fight 'em till you can't,
lauren
Monday, May 25, 2009
more than words...
saying goodbye is never fun. or easy. i've been fighting saying goodbye to him for a long time now. this last bit was just too much. it was the last straw. no matter how much you love someone, you can let them break your heart only so many times before you just have to give up. i've given up. i've thrown in my towel. i don't think i've ever held onto the damn thing for so long before. i don't think its ever hurt so much to give it up either.
the last few days have brought me more joy and sorrow than i've had in a long time. i've been a mess of tears for three days. some have been happy (we welcomed my beautiful neice Evie into the world yesterday) but more have been sad. i try to not let my personal stuff cloud the absolute happiness i feel about nikki and kevin having their first child. i love them both so much and i am thrilled to see what amazing parents they will be. but then there's this. like i don't have enough going on in my life right now.
i've been hurt before by him, but this pretty much takes the cake. i feel like i've been on the verge of hyperventilating since friday night. i know that the severity of this will pass. i know that it will. but right now, after my conversation with him on friday night...i have had nothing from him all weekend. no response. no attempt to fix things. not one tiny shred of evidence that he even gives a shit. and then to see her referring to him as 'my babe' on her page. it quite literally made my stomach turn. and at no fault of hers, she's a sweet girl. i like her. i would consider her a friend, even. funny how that works.
and he acts like i'm over reacting. like after everything we've been thru and done and experienced together...i'm being unreasonable.
i can't put myself thru this so i said goodbye to him today. i wrote him a letter and then took him and her off my page. i can't stare at it in the face every day. i can't watch this thing progress and feel nothing.
the joy of myspace, it tells you when people read your emails. he's already read mine and i haven't gotten a response yet. we'll see if i do at all. he tends to tuck tail and run when it has been pointed out that he's messed up. and has he royally messed this up...i'm so sad. i don't think i've ever been so heartbroken.
i'll deal with it. but right now, i just want to crawl in a hole.
the last few days have brought me more joy and sorrow than i've had in a long time. i've been a mess of tears for three days. some have been happy (we welcomed my beautiful neice Evie into the world yesterday) but more have been sad. i try to not let my personal stuff cloud the absolute happiness i feel about nikki and kevin having their first child. i love them both so much and i am thrilled to see what amazing parents they will be. but then there's this. like i don't have enough going on in my life right now.
i've been hurt before by him, but this pretty much takes the cake. i feel like i've been on the verge of hyperventilating since friday night. i know that the severity of this will pass. i know that it will. but right now, after my conversation with him on friday night...i have had nothing from him all weekend. no response. no attempt to fix things. not one tiny shred of evidence that he even gives a shit. and then to see her referring to him as 'my babe' on her page. it quite literally made my stomach turn. and at no fault of hers, she's a sweet girl. i like her. i would consider her a friend, even. funny how that works.
and he acts like i'm over reacting. like after everything we've been thru and done and experienced together...i'm being unreasonable.
i can't put myself thru this so i said goodbye to him today. i wrote him a letter and then took him and her off my page. i can't stare at it in the face every day. i can't watch this thing progress and feel nothing.
the joy of myspace, it tells you when people read your emails. he's already read mine and i haven't gotten a response yet. we'll see if i do at all. he tends to tuck tail and run when it has been pointed out that he's messed up. and has he royally messed this up...i'm so sad. i don't think i've ever been so heartbroken.
i'll deal with it. but right now, i just want to crawl in a hole.
Friday, May 22, 2009
I dreamed a dream...
as some of you may know (or may not know...haha) i have been listening to Les Miserables for the better part of three weeks. i love this play. it isn't happy..but the music in it is so epic and beautiful...i just can't get enough of it. there's a line in the song 'I Dreamed a Dream' where Fantine is talking about how she fell in love one summer years ago and she got pregnant and then he was just gone one morning. for years she still expected him to come back and he never did and then she says 'but there are dreams that cannot be, and there are storms we cannot weather'. oh i just love it. i'm not depressed, haha, no matter how it may seem by this first paragraph. i think she's really just saying somethings aren't meant to be, sometimes there is something that is just too big for us. who knows? maybe thats where i am.
i like writing in this thing again for all 546,089 of you who read it. ;) i do really appreciate you guys keeping up with me tho. i had a calzone for lunch. now i'll have to have a shake for dinner. haha. eh. i did it to myself. maybe if i don't spend all this time cooking and preparing a big dinner, i'll actually get my living room cleaned and organized and maybe even (gasp!) packed. i really really need to start doing that. i am also going to throw my favorite pair of vans in the washing machine to see if i can save them. i haven't had the money to go buy another pair and i'm worried they will stop making them. we shall see. i don't know how smart it is to throw muddy sneakers into a washing machine, but that's what it is there for, right? we'll find out. haha.
i'm spending my memorial day weekend packing my aparment and then working monday. i'm taking friday off to move so i'm working monday to make up the time. too bad i don't get paid time and a half. haha.
i think the shakes are going well. oh i was pissed off on wednesday. i had my brand new thing of shake mix and some pills to help me sleep in a plastic bag under my desk and the effing cleaning crew threw them away. they NEVER throw anything away if it isn't in the trash can. not this time. :( there goes $45 or so down the drain. i called the cleaning crew guy and no word back. kind of disappointing. i love when i come up with something new. this morning i made a shake with chocolate shake mix, a sugar free snack pack (dulce de leche flavored), and a couple teaspoons of peanut butter. yum YUM. it was freaking awesome. i can't wait to make another one of those. i bought a thing of rice pudding snack packs to try them out and i don't like them as much. i'll survive tho. :)
i had the same salmon thing for dinner last night but this time i added some whole grain rice, half a whole wheat english muffin and some curried vegetables. it was really yummy. i discovered in reading up on some health food websites that i may not be eating enough. i'm definitely not getting enough carbs (hence the english muffin and the wild rice).
anyway, i think this may very well be the most boring blog ever. i leave you with a more current picture of me for those of you reading that i never see. :)
i like writing in this thing again for all 546,089 of you who read it. ;) i do really appreciate you guys keeping up with me tho. i had a calzone for lunch. now i'll have to have a shake for dinner. haha. eh. i did it to myself. maybe if i don't spend all this time cooking and preparing a big dinner, i'll actually get my living room cleaned and organized and maybe even (gasp!) packed. i really really need to start doing that. i am also going to throw my favorite pair of vans in the washing machine to see if i can save them. i haven't had the money to go buy another pair and i'm worried they will stop making them. we shall see. i don't know how smart it is to throw muddy sneakers into a washing machine, but that's what it is there for, right? we'll find out. haha.
i'm spending my memorial day weekend packing my aparment and then working monday. i'm taking friday off to move so i'm working monday to make up the time. too bad i don't get paid time and a half. haha.
i think the shakes are going well. oh i was pissed off on wednesday. i had my brand new thing of shake mix and some pills to help me sleep in a plastic bag under my desk and the effing cleaning crew threw them away. they NEVER throw anything away if it isn't in the trash can. not this time. :( there goes $45 or so down the drain. i called the cleaning crew guy and no word back. kind of disappointing. i love when i come up with something new. this morning i made a shake with chocolate shake mix, a sugar free snack pack (dulce de leche flavored), and a couple teaspoons of peanut butter. yum YUM. it was freaking awesome. i can't wait to make another one of those. i bought a thing of rice pudding snack packs to try them out and i don't like them as much. i'll survive tho. :)
i had the same salmon thing for dinner last night but this time i added some whole grain rice, half a whole wheat english muffin and some curried vegetables. it was really yummy. i discovered in reading up on some health food websites that i may not be eating enough. i'm definitely not getting enough carbs (hence the english muffin and the wild rice).
anyway, i think this may very well be the most boring blog ever. i leave you with a more current picture of me for those of you reading that i never see. :)
Thursday, May 21, 2009
another day...breathing easier.
okay so i woke up this morning with the decision to push forward. what more can i do? i've talked until i'm blue in the face...it's obviously changed nothing. the lack of concern or care on his end is disturbing. if you are someone's world, shouldn't that mean something? shouldn't they worry when they do something to hurt your feelings or make you upset?
but i digress.
i'd really like to start the day on a happier note. i made a wonderful dinner last night, i wish i would have taken pictures of it...it really was beautiful. here's what i did:
salmon filet (skin on or off. i suck at taking salmon skin off when it is raw. if my favorite butcher is there when i buy it, he'll cut it off for me, but when i do it, i lose too much good meat.)
one lemon, sliced into rounds
fresh rosemary (i'd say a sprig for each piece of fish, but it depends on how much you want to use. i use a lot.)
oil oil
garlic powder, salt and pepper to taste
preheat your oven to 350
get a piece of foil torn out that is big enough to wrap your salmon in loosely
rub the salmon filet(s) with olive oil, garlic powder, salt and pepper. you're going to get a lot of flavor from the other ingredients so i don't use a lot to begin with. better to have to salt and pepper your fish when its out of the oven than to put too much on to begin with. i like to use coarse salt and pepper or kosher salt with salmon. place the fish in the middle of the foil sheet (skin side down if it is still on). place the rosemary on top of the fish. i tear the sprig up to get as much of the fish covered as possible. then place your thinly sliced lemon rounds on top of the rosemary. two - three lemon wedges are pretty average for a filet. drizzle a little more olive oil over the put together fish and i'll usually throw some more rosemary around the fish for good measure. wrap the foil packet up so it is sealed, but not wrapped tight. you want some room in the packet so the steam from the oil and cooking fish will keep circulating in there to give it more flavor. put the foil packet in a baking dish and bake for 20-30 minutes. because of all the steam in the packet, don't open it to check on it for at least 20 minutes. you don't want to let all that goodness escape. i like my salmon just a tiiiiiiny bit on the dry side, so for an average 7 or 8 oz filet, i'll cook it wrapped in the foil for 25-30 minutes, then i'll unwrap it and bake it for another 5 minutes or so with the top of the packet open. just keep your eye on it.
in those last five minutes of cooking, get a skillet on the stove top, heated to medium heat. pour in about a tablespoon to a tablespoon and a half of olive oil. let the oil get hot (about 2 minutes on medium heat should do it). season the oil. you'll know it is hot enough when your seasonings start to sizzle. watch the salt, olive oil has plenty on it's own. i like dried minced onion, a touch of cayenne pepper and garlic powder. let your seasonings cook for a minute then throw fresh spinach in the pan. immediately start to flip and stir it. it will only need to cook for about a minute. keep tossing it in the pan until all the spinach looks wilted and darker in color. immediately plate it when it gets to this point. if you leave it in the hot pan, it will over cook very quickly.
spread the spinach on the center of the plate. take yoru salmon out of the oven. remove the lemon slices with tongs or a fork. get a metal spatula and slide it between the skin and the good meat (you'll be able to to this very easily now that it is cooked). place the now skinless salmon in the middle of the spinach and voila!!! dinner is served.
okay so, as sad as that is, just typing that out cheered me up. :) i have job descriptions to write now, so i'll get to it.
thank you for reading. i need an outlet such as this. and i'll be damned if some boy is going to break my spirit.
but i digress.
i'd really like to start the day on a happier note. i made a wonderful dinner last night, i wish i would have taken pictures of it...it really was beautiful. here's what i did:
salmon filet (skin on or off. i suck at taking salmon skin off when it is raw. if my favorite butcher is there when i buy it, he'll cut it off for me, but when i do it, i lose too much good meat.)
one lemon, sliced into rounds
fresh rosemary (i'd say a sprig for each piece of fish, but it depends on how much you want to use. i use a lot.)
oil oil
garlic powder, salt and pepper to taste
preheat your oven to 350
get a piece of foil torn out that is big enough to wrap your salmon in loosely
rub the salmon filet(s) with olive oil, garlic powder, salt and pepper. you're going to get a lot of flavor from the other ingredients so i don't use a lot to begin with. better to have to salt and pepper your fish when its out of the oven than to put too much on to begin with. i like to use coarse salt and pepper or kosher salt with salmon. place the fish in the middle of the foil sheet (skin side down if it is still on). place the rosemary on top of the fish. i tear the sprig up to get as much of the fish covered as possible. then place your thinly sliced lemon rounds on top of the rosemary. two - three lemon wedges are pretty average for a filet. drizzle a little more olive oil over the put together fish and i'll usually throw some more rosemary around the fish for good measure. wrap the foil packet up so it is sealed, but not wrapped tight. you want some room in the packet so the steam from the oil and cooking fish will keep circulating in there to give it more flavor. put the foil packet in a baking dish and bake for 20-30 minutes. because of all the steam in the packet, don't open it to check on it for at least 20 minutes. you don't want to let all that goodness escape. i like my salmon just a tiiiiiiny bit on the dry side, so for an average 7 or 8 oz filet, i'll cook it wrapped in the foil for 25-30 minutes, then i'll unwrap it and bake it for another 5 minutes or so with the top of the packet open. just keep your eye on it.
in those last five minutes of cooking, get a skillet on the stove top, heated to medium heat. pour in about a tablespoon to a tablespoon and a half of olive oil. let the oil get hot (about 2 minutes on medium heat should do it). season the oil. you'll know it is hot enough when your seasonings start to sizzle. watch the salt, olive oil has plenty on it's own. i like dried minced onion, a touch of cayenne pepper and garlic powder. let your seasonings cook for a minute then throw fresh spinach in the pan. immediately start to flip and stir it. it will only need to cook for about a minute. keep tossing it in the pan until all the spinach looks wilted and darker in color. immediately plate it when it gets to this point. if you leave it in the hot pan, it will over cook very quickly.
spread the spinach on the center of the plate. take yoru salmon out of the oven. remove the lemon slices with tongs or a fork. get a metal spatula and slide it between the skin and the good meat (you'll be able to to this very easily now that it is cooked). place the now skinless salmon in the middle of the spinach and voila!!! dinner is served.
okay so, as sad as that is, just typing that out cheered me up. :) i have job descriptions to write now, so i'll get to it.
thank you for reading. i need an outlet such as this. and i'll be damned if some boy is going to break my spirit.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
i just need to get it out...
i need to vent...this blog is not about losing weight or whats been going on at work.
i have made myself so sick that i have spent the morning chewing on tums like it's candy. i could sit here and say 'what more can i do?' or 'what have i done wrong?' nothing. haha. i can't do anything more, i haven't done anything wrong. maybe i've been kidding myself all this time.
i hate that i've let him get away with it for a year and a half. wow. next month will be a year and a half since this all began. it makes me feel like i've not only been allowing it, but encouraging it in some way. maybe i don't really like being in a relationship either. i like the fact that i can do what i want guilt free.
the difference is..i don't want to do whatever i want. i don't want to meet someone and date them and start this 'thing' only to discover that they aren't him. they aren't you. they won't fill that place for me.
::editor's note...i can be a bit dramatic when i write but it just pours out of me. here's to keep pouring...
never in my short 28 years have i ever felt more in tune with another person. you and i have something that is indeniable.
maybe you weren't stretching the truth that day when you told me that you know how good it would be and how much your life would change and THAT is what scared you more than anything? who knows? i don't think you tell me things that i just want to hear, but that may have been a crock of shit. all i know is that when i have an opportunity to share my life with someone, really share it...and a chance to be truely happy...i want to run at it. not away from it.
i used to be so afraid of being happy. so afraid of finding something real. i don't know why, it's all i've ever wanted out of life...so if it faces you, you shouldn't run screaming. or destroy it. or lash out. but...through the years i have done that. to good men too...which really just doesn't make any sense.
and then i sit here, looking at you...and i see the future. my future. and i don't even want to run. i'm not afraid. i know that it wouldn't be easy, but thats the way it's supposed to be, right?
but not you. you look at me and see what? i don't even know anymore. at first it was a best friend. then it was a wife and mother. then it was a dream of what could have been if everything hadn't gone to hell. and now what? just tell me what has changed. tell me why when i am not alone you desire me so much? if i disappear will that bring you in? maybe temporarily...it's just not good enough for me anymore.
i wish i could say that this could go on forever. i love you more than i value my own life. i think that you know that. but for a year and a half i have been running in this circle and to be quite honest...my legs are tired.
i have friends who have had the rockiest of relationships that have turned out okay, but when it came down to it, they were both willing to fight for it. they both wanted to be there. they both saw the finish line.
i feel like i have you tethered behind me and i'm trying to win a race with my feet tied together. inching along little by little...sometimes you pick me up and carry me a few feet, only to set me down again and position yourself at my feet to be pulled some more.
i know a some things are certain. i love you. i always have and perhaps i always will. i cannot keep being the master of my own destruction. saying goodbye to you will be the hardest thing i've ever done in my whole life...i don't even know if i can.
first my breath stops. next will be my heart...
i only hope someone here knows CPR.
i have made myself so sick that i have spent the morning chewing on tums like it's candy. i could sit here and say 'what more can i do?' or 'what have i done wrong?' nothing. haha. i can't do anything more, i haven't done anything wrong. maybe i've been kidding myself all this time.
i hate that i've let him get away with it for a year and a half. wow. next month will be a year and a half since this all began. it makes me feel like i've not only been allowing it, but encouraging it in some way. maybe i don't really like being in a relationship either. i like the fact that i can do what i want guilt free.
the difference is..i don't want to do whatever i want. i don't want to meet someone and date them and start this 'thing' only to discover that they aren't him. they aren't you. they won't fill that place for me.
::editor's note...i can be a bit dramatic when i write but it just pours out of me. here's to keep pouring...
never in my short 28 years have i ever felt more in tune with another person. you and i have something that is indeniable.
maybe you weren't stretching the truth that day when you told me that you know how good it would be and how much your life would change and THAT is what scared you more than anything? who knows? i don't think you tell me things that i just want to hear, but that may have been a crock of shit. all i know is that when i have an opportunity to share my life with someone, really share it...and a chance to be truely happy...i want to run at it. not away from it.
i used to be so afraid of being happy. so afraid of finding something real. i don't know why, it's all i've ever wanted out of life...so if it faces you, you shouldn't run screaming. or destroy it. or lash out. but...through the years i have done that. to good men too...which really just doesn't make any sense.
and then i sit here, looking at you...and i see the future. my future. and i don't even want to run. i'm not afraid. i know that it wouldn't be easy, but thats the way it's supposed to be, right?
but not you. you look at me and see what? i don't even know anymore. at first it was a best friend. then it was a wife and mother. then it was a dream of what could have been if everything hadn't gone to hell. and now what? just tell me what has changed. tell me why when i am not alone you desire me so much? if i disappear will that bring you in? maybe temporarily...it's just not good enough for me anymore.
i wish i could say that this could go on forever. i love you more than i value my own life. i think that you know that. but for a year and a half i have been running in this circle and to be quite honest...my legs are tired.
i have friends who have had the rockiest of relationships that have turned out okay, but when it came down to it, they were both willing to fight for it. they both wanted to be there. they both saw the finish line.
i feel like i have you tethered behind me and i'm trying to win a race with my feet tied together. inching along little by little...sometimes you pick me up and carry me a few feet, only to set me down again and position yourself at my feet to be pulled some more.
i know a some things are certain. i love you. i always have and perhaps i always will. i cannot keep being the master of my own destruction. saying goodbye to you will be the hardest thing i've ever done in my whole life...i don't even know if i can.
first my breath stops. next will be my heart...
i only hope someone here knows CPR.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Here We Go Again....Again
Wednesday, April 22
So here we are, almost exactly six months after my last post. I can't believe it's been that long. What a bad blogger I am!!! Well, here is an attempt at rectifying that.
I'm not going to edit these as I go for the most part, so for those of you who have a tendancy to correct my grammar and spelling ::coughandrewarchercough:: don't...or risk being stabbed. I will cut you.
But I digress, I've given up on the cookies. The main reason? Money. I simply just couldn't afford it. While they worked for me and didn't create too much of a challenge as far as sticking with the plan, money rules the world and I just didn't have enough of it. So for the last few months, I've been kind of watching what I eat. Did a combo of low carb and low cal. Cut out the beer for the most part (which I do miss but still have when I go out occasionally). I honestly don't remember the last time I had fast food. Which I, surprisingly enough, don't miss. Don't get me wrong, it would be nice to go and get a quarter pounder and a large fry. Maybe some chicken nuggets too...but between my financial situation and the fact that I've been doing so well; I don't know. It really isn't worth it. I'd rather cook something that is bad for me and have it be even more delicious. Haha. I don't know if that makes sense at all.
So this week I've started something new. I work with a friend named Nayeli (if you were at my birthday party this year you may have met her). Her mom has started selling Herbalife. Not exactly cheap, but much more affordable than the cookies. So, I began my program a few days ago and wow. I know a lot of it is water weight, but I've already lost five pounds. How encouraging is that?! I have a shake for breakfast and lunch and then a reasonable dinner. It really isn't too shabby. I have some pills and things that i take as well, but thats about it. It's easy for me to do things like this during the day. I'm used to eating lunch at my desk every day anyway, so why not just have a shake and half a banana or some cucumber and be done with it? It still fills me up, and thats the important part, right?
The most exciting thing I have going on right now is that my best friend is about to have a baby. It's kind of odd how much it is affecting me. I didn't really expect that. Somehow, it makes me feel like I really am a grown up. In many ways, Nikki will always be 17 in my head (and if you know Nikki, you know that a 17 year old version of her was more together and mature than some people are at 30 - so don't take that the wrong way). But here she is, married to a man she loves more all the time, just bought their second house and is about to have her first little Kirkwood baby. I am so utterly proud of her and so amazed at what an accomplished adult she is already. A small part of me thought I would feel a level of jealousy...as horrible as that might sound. But I'm older than she is and have always wanted that life for myself. But now that Genevieve is almost here...i just want to cry with happiness every time I look at Nikki and see how perfect this is for her and Kevin and I can not WAIT to be one of the coolest aunts I could ever be to this little girl. It's so exciting. C'mon Evie! We're all ready to meet you. :)
I'm going to try and start blogging on here more. It's nice to have a few people that I have to update on my status. Keeps me from straying too far. So it may not be every day, but it will be as often as I can. Send me pink and blue thoughts about this diet I've started. I can't wait to see how far I can take it. :)
Quit tailgatin me you pasty teabag!
Lauren
So here we are, almost exactly six months after my last post. I can't believe it's been that long. What a bad blogger I am!!! Well, here is an attempt at rectifying that.
I'm not going to edit these as I go for the most part, so for those of you who have a tendancy to correct my grammar and spelling ::coughandrewarchercough:: don't...or risk being stabbed. I will cut you.
But I digress, I've given up on the cookies. The main reason? Money. I simply just couldn't afford it. While they worked for me and didn't create too much of a challenge as far as sticking with the plan, money rules the world and I just didn't have enough of it. So for the last few months, I've been kind of watching what I eat. Did a combo of low carb and low cal. Cut out the beer for the most part (which I do miss but still have when I go out occasionally). I honestly don't remember the last time I had fast food. Which I, surprisingly enough, don't miss. Don't get me wrong, it would be nice to go and get a quarter pounder and a large fry. Maybe some chicken nuggets too...but between my financial situation and the fact that I've been doing so well; I don't know. It really isn't worth it. I'd rather cook something that is bad for me and have it be even more delicious. Haha. I don't know if that makes sense at all.
So this week I've started something new. I work with a friend named Nayeli (if you were at my birthday party this year you may have met her). Her mom has started selling Herbalife. Not exactly cheap, but much more affordable than the cookies. So, I began my program a few days ago and wow. I know a lot of it is water weight, but I've already lost five pounds. How encouraging is that?! I have a shake for breakfast and lunch and then a reasonable dinner. It really isn't too shabby. I have some pills and things that i take as well, but thats about it. It's easy for me to do things like this during the day. I'm used to eating lunch at my desk every day anyway, so why not just have a shake and half a banana or some cucumber and be done with it? It still fills me up, and thats the important part, right?
The most exciting thing I have going on right now is that my best friend is about to have a baby. It's kind of odd how much it is affecting me. I didn't really expect that. Somehow, it makes me feel like I really am a grown up. In many ways, Nikki will always be 17 in my head (and if you know Nikki, you know that a 17 year old version of her was more together and mature than some people are at 30 - so don't take that the wrong way). But here she is, married to a man she loves more all the time, just bought their second house and is about to have her first little Kirkwood baby. I am so utterly proud of her and so amazed at what an accomplished adult she is already. A small part of me thought I would feel a level of jealousy...as horrible as that might sound. But I'm older than she is and have always wanted that life for myself. But now that Genevieve is almost here...i just want to cry with happiness every time I look at Nikki and see how perfect this is for her and Kevin and I can not WAIT to be one of the coolest aunts I could ever be to this little girl. It's so exciting. C'mon Evie! We're all ready to meet you. :)
I'm going to try and start blogging on here more. It's nice to have a few people that I have to update on my status. Keeps me from straying too far. So it may not be every day, but it will be as often as I can. Send me pink and blue thoughts about this diet I've started. I can't wait to see how far I can take it. :)
Quit tailgatin me you pasty teabag!
Lauren
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