get OUT bad juju. OUT I SAY.

so i haven't had the best week ever. my heart was broken, again, by someone that i have defended over and over and over for the last year and a half. not only that but when i sent him a perfectly calm and even kind of nice email explaining why i was doing what i was doing, why i couldn't talk to him for awhile, why i couldn't sit and watch him develop something with her...he then turned it around on me. like it was my fault, like i have done something wrong. like i'm the one abandoning our friendship. trying to guilt me back into things. to make me say 'oh no! i don't want to lose you forever! please don't be mad at me!'

what it boils down to is, if he cared about me at all 'fine, forget we ever met. i don't exist' wouldn't have been his response to the letter i sent him. the one that stated over and over how i hoped we could be best friends again someday, how i hoped that i would deal with all this sooner than later and even ended with 'i love you'. forget we ever met. you forget me and i'll forget you. those were his parting words to me.

rather than make me burst into tears [immediately] it just made me even more angry. how dare he. the man either has the biggest set of balls i've ever seen or he really is the most manipulative person on the planet. i don't know which i would prefer it to be. either way, i know that he was calling my bluff and i won't fall for it. i've put up with too much for too long. i got an email this morning from someone i've known since the second grade (he is a friend of mine's older brother, who i've always loved and actually became friends with over the years). his email said:

'you seem to waste a lot of time on sad ignorant boys. you deserve more. compare yourself to them before you get involved. you deserve an intelligent warm man. you have so much to offer. stop selling yourself short.'

what a fantastic way to start my thursday. :) it's so great to have such emotional support from people that you don't even see or talk to very often but who know you and have known you for years. it made my day, to be quite honest. so yeah, i'm taking it day by day. wishing i could call him less with every minute that i don't.

and i also found out yesterday morning that i won't be moving. long story short, my roommate had some last minute complications that are completely out of her hands and isn't able to have her own place anymore. i was really bummed for a couple hours yesterday morning but then i talked to my step mom and got a better attitude about it. i'm still going to do the spring cleaning i started. the salvation army is still coming tomorrow to pick up a bunch of stuff i was going to get rid of when i moved anyway. i'm going to cleanse all the bad juju out of my house. i may even rent a carpet cleaner and just go to town. we'll see if i have time.

so i'm still taking tomorrow off. saturday night we are going to dinner at momo's and then to pete's for denise's birthday. :) should be a lot of fun. i'll get to meet shane finally, which i'm excited about. i also have my dear friend allie who is busy already and has introduced me (in a cyber and texting manner at least) to a man named jesse who seems perfectly nice (and is cute to boot) so we are supposed to hang out sometime next week. he's already offered me a cold beer, so i'm sure we'll get along just fine. haha.

anywho, if i really want to get out of here today, i better get to work!!! hopefully i'll have some good stuff to report at the beginning of next week after the cleansing of the bad energy out of my life begins. i need a new start so i'm just going to give it to myself.

fight 'em till you can't,
lauren

more than words...

saying goodbye is never fun. or easy. i've been fighting saying goodbye to him for a long time now. this last bit was just too much. it was the last straw. no matter how much you love someone, you can let them break your heart only so many times before you just have to give up. i've given up. i've thrown in my towel. i don't think i've ever held onto the damn thing for so long before. i don't think its ever hurt so much to give it up either.

the last few days have brought me more joy and sorrow than i've had in a long time. i've been a mess of tears for three days. some have been happy (we welcomed my beautiful neice Evie into the world yesterday) but more have been sad. i try to not let my personal stuff cloud the absolute happiness i feel about nikki and kevin having their first child. i love them both so much and i am thrilled to see what amazing parents they will be. but then there's this. like i don't have enough going on in my life right now.

i've been hurt before by him, but this pretty much takes the cake. i feel like i've been on the verge of hyperventilating since friday night. i know that the severity of this will pass. i know that it will. but right now, after my conversation with him on friday night...i have had nothing from him all weekend. no response. no attempt to fix things. not one tiny shred of evidence that he even gives a shit. and then to see her referring to him as 'my babe' on her page. it quite literally made my stomach turn. and at no fault of hers, she's a sweet girl. i like her. i would consider her a friend, even. funny how that works.

and he acts like i'm over reacting. like after everything we've been thru and done and experienced together...i'm being unreasonable.

i can't put myself thru this so i said goodbye to him today. i wrote him a letter and then took him and her off my page. i can't stare at it in the face every day. i can't watch this thing progress and feel nothing.

the joy of myspace, it tells you when people read your emails. he's already read mine and i haven't gotten a response yet. we'll see if i do at all. he tends to tuck tail and run when it has been pointed out that he's messed up. and has he royally messed this up...i'm so sad. i don't think i've ever been so heartbroken.

i'll deal with it. but right now, i just want to crawl in a hole.

I dreamed a dream...

as some of you may know (or may not know...haha) i have been listening to Les Miserables for the better part of three weeks. i love this play. it isn't happy..but the music in it is so epic and beautiful...i just can't get enough of it. there's a line in the song 'I Dreamed a Dream' where Fantine is talking about how she fell in love one summer years ago and she got pregnant and then he was just gone one morning. for years she still expected him to come back and he never did and then she says 'but there are dreams that cannot be, and there are storms we cannot weather'. oh i just love it. i'm not depressed, haha, no matter how it may seem by this first paragraph. i think she's really just saying somethings aren't meant to be, sometimes there is something that is just too big for us. who knows? maybe thats where i am.

i like writing in this thing again for all 546,089 of you who read it. ;) i do really appreciate you guys keeping up with me tho. i had a calzone for lunch. now i'll have to have a shake for dinner. haha. eh. i did it to myself. maybe if i don't spend all this time cooking and preparing a big dinner, i'll actually get my living room cleaned and organized and maybe even (gasp!) packed. i really really need to start doing that. i am also going to throw my favorite pair of vans in the washing machine to see if i can save them. i haven't had the money to go buy another pair and i'm worried they will stop making them. we shall see. i don't know how smart it is to throw muddy sneakers into a washing machine, but that's what it is there for, right? we'll find out. haha.

i'm spending my memorial day weekend packing my aparment and then working monday. i'm taking friday off to move so i'm working monday to make up the time. too bad i don't get paid time and a half. haha.

i think the shakes are going well. oh i was pissed off on wednesday. i had my brand new thing of shake mix and some pills to help me sleep in a plastic bag under my desk and the effing cleaning crew threw them away. they NEVER throw anything away if it isn't in the trash can. not this time. :( there goes $45 or so down the drain. i called the cleaning crew guy and no word back. kind of disappointing. i love when i come up with something new. this morning i made a shake with chocolate shake mix, a sugar free snack pack (dulce de leche flavored), and a couple teaspoons of peanut butter. yum YUM. it was freaking awesome. i can't wait to make another one of those. i bought a thing of rice pudding snack packs to try them out and i don't like them as much. i'll survive tho. :)

i had the same salmon thing for dinner last night but this time i added some whole grain rice, half a whole wheat english muffin and some curried vegetables. it was really yummy. i discovered in reading up on some health food websites that i may not be eating enough. i'm definitely not getting enough carbs (hence the english muffin and the wild rice).

anyway, i think this may very well be the most boring blog ever. i leave you with a more current picture of me for those of you reading that i never see. :)

another day...breathing easier.

okay so i woke up this morning with the decision to push forward. what more can i do? i've talked until i'm blue in the face...it's obviously changed nothing. the lack of concern or care on his end is disturbing. if you are someone's world, shouldn't that mean something? shouldn't they worry when they do something to hurt your feelings or make you upset?

but i digress.

i'd really like to start the day on a happier note. i made a wonderful dinner last night, i wish i would have taken pictures of it...it really was beautiful. here's what i did:

salmon filet (skin on or off. i suck at taking salmon skin off when it is raw. if my favorite butcher is there when i buy it, he'll cut it off for me, but when i do it, i lose too much good meat.)
one lemon, sliced into rounds
fresh rosemary (i'd say a sprig for each piece of fish, but it depends on how much you want to use. i use a lot.)
oil oil
garlic powder, salt and pepper to taste

preheat your oven to 350
get a piece of foil torn out that is big enough to wrap your salmon in loosely
rub the salmon filet(s) with olive oil, garlic powder, salt and pepper. you're going to get a lot of flavor from the other ingredients so i don't use a lot to begin with. better to have to salt and pepper your fish when its out of the oven than to put too much on to begin with. i like to use coarse salt and pepper or kosher salt with salmon. place the fish in the middle of the foil sheet (skin side down if it is still on). place the rosemary on top of the fish. i tear the sprig up to get as much of the fish covered as possible. then place your thinly sliced lemon rounds on top of the rosemary. two - three lemon wedges are pretty average for a filet. drizzle a little more olive oil over the put together fish and i'll usually throw some more rosemary around the fish for good measure. wrap the foil packet up so it is sealed, but not wrapped tight. you want some room in the packet so the steam from the oil and cooking fish will keep circulating in there to give it more flavor. put the foil packet in a baking dish and bake for 20-30 minutes. because of all the steam in the packet, don't open it to check on it for at least 20 minutes. you don't want to let all that goodness escape. i like my salmon just a tiiiiiiny bit on the dry side, so for an average 7 or 8 oz filet, i'll cook it wrapped in the foil for 25-30 minutes, then i'll unwrap it and bake it for another 5 minutes or so with the top of the packet open. just keep your eye on it.

in those last five minutes of cooking, get a skillet on the stove top, heated to medium heat. pour in about a tablespoon to a tablespoon and a half of olive oil. let the oil get hot (about 2 minutes on medium heat should do it). season the oil. you'll know it is hot enough when your seasonings start to sizzle. watch the salt, olive oil has plenty on it's own. i like dried minced onion, a touch of cayenne pepper and garlic powder. let your seasonings cook for a minute then throw fresh spinach in the pan. immediately start to flip and stir it. it will only need to cook for about a minute. keep tossing it in the pan until all the spinach looks wilted and darker in color. immediately plate it when it gets to this point. if you leave it in the hot pan, it will over cook very quickly.

spread the spinach on the center of the plate. take yoru salmon out of the oven. remove the lemon slices with tongs or a fork. get a metal spatula and slide it between the skin and the good meat (you'll be able to to this very easily now that it is cooked). place the now skinless salmon in the middle of the spinach and voila!!! dinner is served.

okay so, as sad as that is, just typing that out cheered me up. :) i have job descriptions to write now, so i'll get to it.

thank you for reading. i need an outlet such as this. and i'll be damned if some boy is going to break my spirit.

i just need to get it out...

i need to vent...this blog is not about losing weight or whats been going on at work.

i have made myself so sick that i have spent the morning chewing on tums like it's candy. i could sit here and say 'what more can i do?' or 'what have i done wrong?' nothing. haha. i can't do anything more, i haven't done anything wrong. maybe i've been kidding myself all this time.

i hate that i've let him get away with it for a year and a half. wow. next month will be a year and a half since this all began. it makes me feel like i've not only been allowing it, but encouraging it in some way. maybe i don't really like being in a relationship either. i like the fact that i can do what i want guilt free.

the difference is..i don't want to do whatever i want. i don't want to meet someone and date them and start this 'thing' only to discover that they aren't him. they aren't you. they won't fill that place for me.

::editor's note...i can be a bit dramatic when i write but it just pours out of me. here's to keep pouring...

never in my short 28 years have i ever felt more in tune with another person. you and i have something that is indeniable.

maybe you weren't stretching the truth that day when you told me that you know how good it would be and how much your life would change and THAT is what scared you more than anything? who knows? i don't think you tell me things that i just want to hear, but that may have been a crock of shit. all i know is that when i have an opportunity to share my life with someone, really share it...and a chance to be truely happy...i want to run at it. not away from it.

i used to be so afraid of being happy. so afraid of finding something real. i don't know why, it's all i've ever wanted out of life...so if it faces you, you shouldn't run screaming. or destroy it. or lash out. but...through the years i have done that. to good men too...which really just doesn't make any sense.

and then i sit here, looking at you...and i see the future. my future. and i don't even want to run. i'm not afraid. i know that it wouldn't be easy, but thats the way it's supposed to be, right?

but not you. you look at me and see what? i don't even know anymore. at first it was a best friend. then it was a wife and mother. then it was a dream of what could have been if everything hadn't gone to hell. and now what? just tell me what has changed. tell me why when i am not alone you desire me so much? if i disappear will that bring you in? maybe temporarily...it's just not good enough for me anymore.

i wish i could say that this could go on forever. i love you more than i value my own life. i think that you know that. but for a year and a half i have been running in this circle and to be quite honest...my legs are tired.

i have friends who have had the rockiest of relationships that have turned out okay, but when it came down to it, they were both willing to fight for it. they both wanted to be there. they both saw the finish line.

i feel like i have you tethered behind me and i'm trying to win a race with my feet tied together. inching along little by little...sometimes you pick me up and carry me a few feet, only to set me down again and position yourself at my feet to be pulled some more.

i know a some things are certain. i love you. i always have and perhaps i always will. i cannot keep being the master of my own destruction. saying goodbye to you will be the hardest thing i've ever done in my whole life...i don't even know if i can.

first my breath stops. next will be my heart...

i only hope someone here knows CPR.