i just need to get it out...

i need to vent...this blog is not about losing weight or whats been going on at work.

i have made myself so sick that i have spent the morning chewing on tums like it's candy. i could sit here and say 'what more can i do?' or 'what have i done wrong?' nothing. haha. i can't do anything more, i haven't done anything wrong. maybe i've been kidding myself all this time.

i hate that i've let him get away with it for a year and a half. wow. next month will be a year and a half since this all began. it makes me feel like i've not only been allowing it, but encouraging it in some way. maybe i don't really like being in a relationship either. i like the fact that i can do what i want guilt free.

the difference is..i don't want to do whatever i want. i don't want to meet someone and date them and start this 'thing' only to discover that they aren't him. they aren't you. they won't fill that place for me.

::editor's note...i can be a bit dramatic when i write but it just pours out of me. here's to keep pouring...

never in my short 28 years have i ever felt more in tune with another person. you and i have something that is indeniable.

maybe you weren't stretching the truth that day when you told me that you know how good it would be and how much your life would change and THAT is what scared you more than anything? who knows? i don't think you tell me things that i just want to hear, but that may have been a crock of shit. all i know is that when i have an opportunity to share my life with someone, really share it...and a chance to be truely happy...i want to run at it. not away from it.

i used to be so afraid of being happy. so afraid of finding something real. i don't know why, it's all i've ever wanted out of life...so if it faces you, you shouldn't run screaming. or destroy it. or lash out. but...through the years i have done that. to good men too...which really just doesn't make any sense.

and then i sit here, looking at you...and i see the future. my future. and i don't even want to run. i'm not afraid. i know that it wouldn't be easy, but thats the way it's supposed to be, right?

but not you. you look at me and see what? i don't even know anymore. at first it was a best friend. then it was a wife and mother. then it was a dream of what could have been if everything hadn't gone to hell. and now what? just tell me what has changed. tell me why when i am not alone you desire me so much? if i disappear will that bring you in? maybe temporarily...it's just not good enough for me anymore.

i wish i could say that this could go on forever. i love you more than i value my own life. i think that you know that. but for a year and a half i have been running in this circle and to be quite honest...my legs are tired.

i have friends who have had the rockiest of relationships that have turned out okay, but when it came down to it, they were both willing to fight for it. they both wanted to be there. they both saw the finish line.

i feel like i have you tethered behind me and i'm trying to win a race with my feet tied together. inching along little by little...sometimes you pick me up and carry me a few feet, only to set me down again and position yourself at my feet to be pulled some more.

i know a some things are certain. i love you. i always have and perhaps i always will. i cannot keep being the master of my own destruction. saying goodbye to you will be the hardest thing i've ever done in my whole life...i don't even know if i can.

first my breath stops. next will be my heart...

i only hope someone here knows CPR.