more than words...

saying goodbye is never fun. or easy. i've been fighting saying goodbye to him for a long time now. this last bit was just too much. it was the last straw. no matter how much you love someone, you can let them break your heart only so many times before you just have to give up. i've given up. i've thrown in my towel. i don't think i've ever held onto the damn thing for so long before. i don't think its ever hurt so much to give it up either.

the last few days have brought me more joy and sorrow than i've had in a long time. i've been a mess of tears for three days. some have been happy (we welcomed my beautiful neice Evie into the world yesterday) but more have been sad. i try to not let my personal stuff cloud the absolute happiness i feel about nikki and kevin having their first child. i love them both so much and i am thrilled to see what amazing parents they will be. but then there's this. like i don't have enough going on in my life right now.

i've been hurt before by him, but this pretty much takes the cake. i feel like i've been on the verge of hyperventilating since friday night. i know that the severity of this will pass. i know that it will. but right now, after my conversation with him on friday night...i have had nothing from him all weekend. no response. no attempt to fix things. not one tiny shred of evidence that he even gives a shit. and then to see her referring to him as 'my babe' on her page. it quite literally made my stomach turn. and at no fault of hers, she's a sweet girl. i like her. i would consider her a friend, even. funny how that works.

and he acts like i'm over reacting. like after everything we've been thru and done and experienced together...i'm being unreasonable.

i can't put myself thru this so i said goodbye to him today. i wrote him a letter and then took him and her off my page. i can't stare at it in the face every day. i can't watch this thing progress and feel nothing.

the joy of myspace, it tells you when people read your emails. he's already read mine and i haven't gotten a response yet. we'll see if i do at all. he tends to tuck tail and run when it has been pointed out that he's messed up. and has he royally messed this up...i'm so sad. i don't think i've ever been so heartbroken.

i'll deal with it. but right now, i just want to crawl in a hole.