artist's rendering of me...

i bought the opposite of december on iTunes yesterday. my copy is so scratched up there was no saving it. i finally just gave in. :) what better way to spend $8? i can't think of one.

of course i also bought jamie foxx's song 'blame it' haha. and that damn black eyed peas song 'boom boom pow' because well...they're both just catchy as hell. i don't know if i should admit to the other songs i bought. i'm horrible. i can't help it. i love old crappy hip hop. so yeah, i got some trick daddy...eh hush. let me have my fun. :) its good car music. haha.

and barf. i can't hear out of my right ear still. i cleaned it out some again this morning so hopefully it'll feel better soon. it is totally throwing off my equillibrium (sp?). i'm ready to feel normal again.

speaking of feeling normal...i think that 'falling out' is the appropriate term for what i am going thru right now. do i miss E? of course. he's been such a major part of my life for a long time now. i didn't keep him around b/c i didn't like his company. he made me smile. he had the ability to make me feel like i was the only person in the world for him. i say he had the ability...it didn't happen often. more often then not i was left feeling like he paid more attention to the gum stuck to the bottom of his shoe than he did to me. if i really think about it...i mean REALLY think about it, there are certain requirements that i have in a relationship.

1. i want to be with someone who can't bear to be with anyone BUT me. not someone who is fighting over their feelings for other people and past relationships. someone who just can't quite let go of that person from their past that treated them like shit anyway. i don't treat people i'm with like shit. i don't tell them they're worthless and stupid and make them feel like they are less than what they are. for one, i don't treat ANYONE like that, especially someone i love. so if you'd rather stay hung up on some tramp or some bitch that made you feel like she wouldn't piss on fire to put you out...then that's on you. that has nothing to do with me. granted, this rule was specific to someone...the idea is general. why should i have to fight for someone's affection? no one...NO ONE, that i know does this. why do i do it? i don't know...but no more. i remember what it was like to be with someone who loved me. who wanted to be with me every moment that he could. who was excited to hear from me and see me. i liked that. its normal. i miss it.

2. i want to be with someone who shares in the responsibility of the relationship. i'm tired of being blamed for everything that has ever gone wrong. especially when i've done little, to no, wrong. i went thru this with the last one. after he left he told me (in so many words) that because i didn't bitch at him all the time and nag at him to get a job, i was his crutch. no matter is supported him while he was sick and worked so that he was able to go back to school. nope. it was my fault. i was a crutch because i was nice to him. because i knew what a struggle it was to get a job as a felon and when you were sick three days a week from going thru chemo. nope. my fault. my bad. sorry i tried to take care of you and do the right thing. seems like it came back to bite me in the ass.

my friend matt will retell the story now of when we were still together and he confided in matt that he was thinking about breaking up with me.

let me interject here. i will admit this. we were not right for each other. from what i hear, he's a totally different person now (which is good). so i won't pretend that things would have ended up sunshine and roses if we had stayed together. we eventually would have just driven each other into the ground, so i'm glad things are over...but the series of events leading up to us breaking up still astounds me sometimes.

so anyway, he tells matt one night that he's thinking of leaving me and it surprised matt. now, i love matt. i'm sure he's telling me an edited version so as not to hurt my feelings about what was said between the two of them. i'm not mad at him for that. so he laid at home and played video games, went back to school, came home and played video games. i cooked, did laundry, cleaned and worked...and us breaking up was on me. for being nice.

okay i've gotten off track...lets see. rule 2 was someone who shares the responsibility of things that went wrong (and right) in the relationship.

3. i want to be with an adult. someone who thinks about their actions before running out and doing them. someone who doesn't have the mentality of asking for forgiveness instead of permission. not to say that someone needs to ask permission to do things. but what i mean is, someone who thinks 'oh i can do this **insert something someone may not like. staying out till five a.m. at the strip club without a phone call. going to a 'party' with just a handful of girls so that your friend has the chance of hooking up and not coming home. going and hanging out with your ex and not only not tell me but then lie about it when i confront you** and lauren will just forgive me. she always does' there is nothing wrong with saying 'hey, i'm going to go out with the fellas. we might not be home till early this morning' okay. thats fine. have fun. call me if you need me to come and get you. but hearing 'i'll be home no later than 3' and waking up at five a.m. to an empty house and a cell phone that has been turned off. not okay. never will be okay. if i did it, your face would catch on fire so just have some consideration. if i ask you to please wait and think about a tattoo before you run out and get something you might hate later, please take my opinion into consideration.

i don't even know if i have a number four. i'm sure i do. haha. its so silly because most of these rules just come naturally to people in relationships. i have to really concentrate on making sure i don't end up with someone that does these things to me. hell, i feel like for the last seven years i've just been running around in this circle. it's quite frustrating. and while these men are to blame with the way they act, i am to blame for letting me be the girl they treat this way. for that, i will take responsibility.

but i do have to say, the more i am away from him, the less i miss him. the less amused i am with him when i do talk to him and the more i realize that while my heart is still aching now...i will be okay. i am okay. it hurts less every day. if i could just stop dreaming about him i think i'd progress much faster. soon enough he'll be another memory. another part of my heart that was ripped away by someone else that i carefully patched back together on my own. another experience that made me realize how strong i am. how much i can get thru. how amazing all of my friends are. and for that, i am truely grateful.

but i'd be lying if i told you that everything was perfect now. right now, i'm tired of being strong. i'm tired of feeling like i'll never be enough when i know that isn't true. i'm tired of second guessing everything about who i am and what that means to other people.

i have those in my life that never leave me. that love me not only in spite of my faults, but because of them. people that call me beautiful and hug me like i'm the only person in the world they hug like that. :) i can't help but be grateful for my friends. they are the most amazing ones in the world and i don't know what i'd do without them. yes...even you mr. archer.