i know i know.

i know that its a bad idea to go and check his myspace status. after his very well spoken and thought out email saturday night that simply stated 'YOU SUCK', i'm fairly certain he's trying to taunt me. and while i am doing myself a disservice by going and even looking to see how his status changes, i am very proud of myself for not caving. for not giving in and sending him a text message to say i'm sorry, or i miss you, or can't we just go back to the way things were? i think that my next step will be to delete all the messages that have been saved in my voicemail for years. hell, i'll have to delete them when i get a new phone...i'm sure it will be cleansing when i do it. and its not like i sit and listen to them every day, but i do know that they're there. and it is like some strange security blanket knowing that i can hear his voice whenever i want and it won't be angry or accusing or loving someone else.

the longer i go without dialing his number, the less i want to. which is a good sign, i would imagine. it doesn't mean i don't want to call him...it just means that instead of picking up the phone, dialing his number and ALMOST pushing send...i just wish things could go back to the way they were. then again, they never were good or fair to me, so i don't know why i wish that. i think i just cared about him less, so it was easier.

as angry as i am that he has tried to turn this around on me...it also really saddens me. i see why he has so many problems in relationships now, he can't even admit he's done something to hurt me. i never once got an apology or a hint that he might understand.

i know that the sadness of this will pass. then i'll just be mad and eventually, i'll be indifferent. oh how i look forward to that day of indifference. i remember the first time i saw shaun and serena together in the apartment complex parking lot and i felt nothing. no sadness, no longing, no anger...let me tellyou, it was the most freeing feeling ever. to feel nothing. i know it will come, i just wish there were a way to in speed up the process.

so anyway, i'll do a weekend update or something fun soon. forgive all the depressing stuff.

oh i did make a wonderful shake this morning. orange juice instead of milk with a few pieces of pineapple and vanilla shake mix. tastes like a pinapple orange dreamsicle. yum yum.